This is the transcript for The Bad Roommate. To return to the episode, click here.

School Hallways Lockers

Tori: Heyyyy.

Andre: Hey. So what's the big news?

Tori: How do you know I have news?

Andre: Well. Whenever you have news this is how you walk up to me. You go... (imitating Tori) Heyyyyy.

Tori: That is not what I do when I have news

Andre: So you got news?

Tori: Yeahhh.

Andre: Let's go.

Tori: Ok... so yesterday I was at Neutronium Records meeting with Mason and I met Kojeezy.

Andre: Shut the fridge.

Tori: So I told him about our song writing class here.

Andre: Oh man.

Tori: And he's gonna come here and let us all play our songs for him.

Andre: Sweet Joseph.

Tori: And if he hears one that he likes he might buy it and produce it.

Andre: Ohhhhh.

Tori: Hey (points to some people) let's go tell those people over there.

Andre: Yeah wait wait wait wait. Let's do this the right way.

Tori and Andre both go up to them saying "Heyyyy"

(Theme Song)

School Hallways Stairs

Beck: No. That's insane.

Robbie: Wait. Watch what happens when I zoom in. (zooms in)

Beck: No way.

Robbie: Yeah

Cat: (comes) Hi.

Robbie: Oh and I can turn it this way.

Beck: Oh my god. This is blowing my mind.


Robbie: Hey Cat.

Beck: Hey.

Cat: What are you guys looking at?

Robbie: PearMaps updated their app and now you can look at any place in the world.

Beck: In High Res.

Cat: No way. I don't get it.

Beck: Show her.

Robbie: See here's an overhead shot of our school.

Cat: Cool.

Robbie: Look, now I'll zoom in.

Jade: (comes) Hey you guys looking at the new PearMaps app?

Robbie: Yeah now you can zoom in from any angle.

Cat: Oh my god. That's where we eat lunch.

Robbie: Yeah. The PearMaps sattelite must have taken the picture a few months ago.

Beck: From space.

Cat: (looks at ceiling and waves) Hi.

Jade: Cat, were inside.

Beck: Hey is that us?

Robbie: Oh my god. That is us.

Jade: Oh yeah I'm wearing my red boots.

Beck: Uhh... Can you zoom in tighter on Jade?

Robbie: I think. Uh zoom a zoom zoom. (zooms in to a picture of Jade "picking" her nose).

Jade: No. I'm not...

Cat: Picking your nose?

Jade: CAT!!!! I was not picking it. I was just scratching the outside of it like this (scratches outside of her nose).

Robbie: See from this angle it looks like your just...

Jade: Don't say it. Ok, no one mentions this to anyone.

Beck: We won't.

Robbie: Promise.

Cat: You mean you picking your nose?

Jade: CAT!!!! I was scratching it.

Cat: Rightttt.

Jade: (leaves)

Cat, Robbie, and Beck: (laughing)

Jade: (turns around)

They all stop laughing.

Andre's House

Andre: (playing on piano) 

Charlotte: Andre! It's raining in my bathroom!

Andre: Grandma you were just taking a shower.

Charlotte: I'm gonna go get some orange juice!

Andre: (keeps playing piano)

Charlotte: Andre! There's a helicopter in my kitchen.

Andre: That's just the ceiling fan.

Charlotte: It's just the ceiling fan. (goes off-screen) Andre!

Andre: I'm out.

Andre updates status. Hey - anybody wanna TRADE grandmothers? Let's do it Mood: Frazled

Tori's House

Holly: (gets text message and laughs at it).

Tori: (tries to look at her phone)

Holly: Just read your book.

Trina: (takes trophy out of box) Yeahhhhhhhh.

Tori: What is that?

Trina: My trophy!

Holly: For what?

Trina: My book shelf.

Tori: But... how did you... get it?

Trina: I took mom's credit card I went online and bought it. Trina Vega. 1st place. Go me!

Doorbell rings

Trina: Someone get that (goes upstairs and starts singing) It's an all night party that were getting into!

Tori: (answers door) Oh. Hey.

Andre: You busy?

Tori: No. Is everything okay?

Andre: Yeah it's just I was trying to write my song, you know, for Kojeezy. My grandma's driving me out of my mind. Would it be cool if I...

Tori: You wanna write your song here?

Andre: Would you mind?

Tori: Noooo. Not at all.

Andre: Oh thanks. (goes and gets bags)

Tori: Wait. what are you...?

Andre: (comes in with bags)

Tori: Oh.

Andre: (turns around and looks at her)

Tori: Ohhh.

School Hallways

Tori is sleeping on the stairs and Jade sees her.

Jade: (goes up to Tori and uses a whistle to wake her up).

Tori: Ahhh. (falls down stairs).

Jade: (smiling).

Tori: What happened? Was I sleeping?

Jade: You were. 

Tori: Did I hear a loud whistle?

Jade: (putting whistle in backpack) No. You probably just dreamed it. So why were you sleeping on the stairs.

Tori: Andre stayed over last night and kept me up all night. He played the piano at 4am in the morning and I...

Jade: (walks away).

Tori: I wasn't done talking.

Jade: I was done listening.

Random Kids are walking down the stairs and laughing on their PearPads while looking at Jade.

Random Kid: Hey Jade. If you had to choose between you elbow and your nose. You would pick your nose.

Jade: (sees Beck and Cat and slams locker) Hey. 

Beck: Hey baby I was just looking for you.

Jade: Who told?

Cat: Told what?

Jade: About me. About me on PearMaps?

Beck: I I told no one.

Cat: I told people not to look.

Jade: Well, then it must have been Robbie... Wait. What do you mean you told people not to look?

Cat: I tweeted it on TheSlap.

Jade: (walking closer slowly to Cat) What did you tweet?

Cat: I wrote... "Please DO NOT go on PearMaps and look up Hollywood Arts. If you do DO NOT look at Jade. P.S. She's NOT picking her nose". I made it super clear.

Jade: (runs towards Cat but Beck catches her)

Beck: Just run. Run fast and far.

Sinjin: (comes) Hey Jade. As a guy who used to pick his nose. I'm here to tell you. It gets better.

Jade: (moves around in Beck's arms and screams).

Cat: (runs away).

Sinjin: I'm sorry (runs away).

Beck: (strokes Jade's hair) Shh. Shh.

They both fall to the floor

Tori's House

Tori and Holly are outside Tori's house.

Tori: I am so hungry.

Holly: Well, someone's going to be a happy girl.

Tori: Is it me? What happened?

Holly: Guess what I put in the oven before we went shopping?

Tori: Family pot pie?

Holly: Family pot pie.

Tori: Yes.

Holly: (opens door)

Tori: I think family pot pie might be my number one... (looks at Andre)

Andre: Hey.

Holly: What are you doing?

Andre: The oven went ding so I took this pot pie out and I ate it.

Trina: (comes downstairs) Do I smell family pot pie?

Tori: Yes.

Holly: Andre ate it.

Trina: What?!

Andre: Wait, was this one pot pie for the whole... I thought everybody got their own. 

Holly: No.

Tori: My mom makes one big pot pie, and we all SHARE it!

Trina: That's why it's called family pot pie!

Andre: Well it's gone.

Tori: Now what are we gonna do for dinner?

Andre: I think I got it. (runs to piano) (starts playing on piano). I don't got it.

Trina: (licking bowl with the rest of the pot pie in it).

Tori updating status. I got no family pot pie. :( P.S. Trina has a weird tongue. Mood: Pot Pie Deprived.

Tori's House

Andre: (playing piano).

Tori: Hey.

Andre: What are you doing up so late? You oughta be asleep.

Tori: Yeah. I sure oughta.

Andre: What's the deal?

Tori: The deal is this! It's 3 am in the morning, and there are people here like me who are trying to sleep. So if you're gonna be up writing music this late, you need to go do it somewhere else. That's the deal! Take it or take it!

Andre: Well.

Tori: Don't give me that "well". You should be apologizing!

Andre: You said "You wanna write your song here?" then I said "Do you mind if I do it here?" And you said "Why no. Not at all!"

Tori: I never said "Why no." I didn't think you bring in suitcases and move in and keep me up all night, and stick your face in my family pot pie!

Andre: Okay! if you're gonna treat me like this. I'm gonna go on home! Whaddaya thinka that?!

Tori: It was my idea!

Andre: Listen, about your mom's pot pie.

Tori: What?

Andre: I've had better. (leaves house).

Tori: (throws pillow at door and falls on the couch).

(Commercial Break).

Tori updates status: About to play MY SONG for Kojeezy!!! Mood: Tuneful.

School Music Room

Sinjin: (playing bad music on the drums) You want it! You want it! You want it!.

Kojeezy's Assistant: Sinjin. Sinjin! No one wants it. 

Sinjin: With all do respect, I'd like to hear Kojeezy's opinion.

Kojeezy: (spits spitball at Sinjin)

Sinjin: Your not my father! (runs out of the room)

Assistant: Ok, next up is...

Tori: Yes!

Assistant: Tori Vega.

Andre: Well I'm gonna head off to the bathroom because I have a better chance of hearing something better in there.

Tori: (gasps) 

Andre: Yeah. POW. (leaves)

Tori: Well, I would just like to say that Kojeezy is probably the best song writer of pop music today.

Kojeezy: Probably. So you mean there is someone better than me.

Tori: This is a song I wrote last year. It's sort of a...

Kojeezy: Play it.

Tori: And now I'll play it. (singing) I fly. You fly. We fly. Like a butterfly.

Kojeezy: Stop.

Tori: What's the matter?

Kojeezy: I hate butterflies.

Assistant: Ok next stop is...

Tori: No. Wait. No. No. No. No. No. Uh. I have another song.

Kojeezy: Play it.

Tori: Well, this song doesn't have any lyrics yet...

Kojeezy: I thought I said play it.

Tori: (plays medley of Faster Than Boyz).

Andre: (comes in)

Tori: (still playing)

Kojeezy: I like it. I like it a lot.

Tori: Well. Ok. 

Kojeezy: Maybe flush that out give it some hot lyrics and I might just buy that song.

Tori: Yeah-ya.

Andre: Umm, may I speak with Tori in private.

Tori: I don't need to speak with you.

Andre: I think you do. (picks up Tori and walk towards the door)

Tori: Hey! Put me down! Ahhh!!

Andre: Don't make a scene. (Walks out of the room with Tori to the hall)

School Hallways Lockers

Tori: What is your problem?

Andre: Da da da da du du du du du da du.

Tori: What was that?

Andre: My song. The song I played on your piano like 20,000 times.

Tori: No it's not your song it's. Oh my god that's your song.

Andre: Hmm-mmm. You stole my song.

Tori: I didn't steal it. It just got stuck in my head.

Andre: (steals Tori's phone and puts it in his pants).

Tori: You stole my phone.

Andre: No I didn't. It just got stuck in my pants. (moves his hips).

Tori: Look, I admit that I copied part of your song but I invented the second part while you were in the bathroom peeing.

Andre: You don't know what I was doing in there.

Tori: The point is... Kojeezy like our song.

Andre: And?

Tori: Now we work together and finish the song so Kojeezy will buy it. My house tonight. 

Andre: I'll be there. (takes Tori's house out of his pants). 

Tori: Ewwwww.

Sikowitz's Class

Sinjin: Ok, we're past the firewall, into PearMaps main server. There now I just need to imput the proper code. 

Jade: Blah. Blah. Nerd. Nerd. Can you take down the picture of me or not?

Beck: You have got to work on your people skills.

Jade: He's a Sinjin. (Touches Sinjin's hair) He's not people.

Cat: Can I stop now?

Jade: No. You eat everyone of those bush peas.

Cat: But I hate bush peas.

Jade: And I hate that you made every kid go online and see that picture of me.

Beck: With the finger up your nose?


Cat: But why does me eating bush peas help?

Jade: Because it makes you miserable. Which makes me a little less miserable.

Cat: Your logic is flawless.

Robbie: (comes talking on the phone). Yeah, their trying to get the picture down now. And that's tomorrow. Got it. Thanks Mr. Ferber. (hangs up phone)

Jade: Well.

Robbie: My dad's friend says that if we can get the picture off PearMaps...

Sinjin: Almost done. 

Robbie: They'll take a new picture of Hollywood Arts the next time the satelite goes over the school.

Beck: Ok, and when is that?

Robbie: Tomorrow at 4:14pm. 

Jade: Ok. Great.

Cat: (hiding bush peas in her pocket).

Jade: CAT!!!!

Cat: (throws bush peas on the floor).

Jade: No hiding bush peas in your pockets.

Beck: Plan?

Jade: Tomorrow at 4:14pm I will be outside posing for the new pic... And I'm going to look hot so no one will remember the picture of me...

Robbie: With your finger up your nose.

Jade: (stressful) Robbie...

Sinjin: BOOM! The pic is down. (turns to Jade) You may pay me with cash, pizza, or hugs.

Jade: Robbie. Hug him. 

Robbie: I most certainly will not.

Jade: HUG HIM!

Sinjin and Robbie are forced to hug by Jade.

Cat updating status. It's not fun to be full of bush peas. Mood: Bloated.

Tori's House

Tori: And... Done

Andre: Done with what?

Tori: The lyrics to our song. How's the music coming?

Andre: It's not. It's not coming at all.

Tori: Well have you written anything?

Andre: I'm trying! Can't you see I'm trying?! I've been sitting here at this dang piano for 7 hours.

Tori: So why can't you finish the song?

Andre: I don't know (tries to get comfy on Tori's piano stand)

Tori: What are you doing?

Andre: Trying to get comfortable. It's not working.

Tori: Maybe the vibe here in my house isn't good for you. What is like when you write music at your place?

Andre: Well. I start working on a melody. And then she screams at me. You know. Because she's out of her mind. And then I start writing some more music. Then she screams at me again. 

Tori: Ok. I got it.

Andre: What do you got? Whaaaat?


Andre: This is stupid.

Tori: Try it. Play some music.

Andre: (starts playing on Tori's piano)

Tori: ANDRE! There's a zebra in my toilet! Now go try.

Andre: This is not gonna work.

Tori: TRY!

Andre: (starts playing then smiles)

Tori: ANDRE! Justin Bieber invited me to Jupiter!

Andre: So you just happen to have that wig here in your house?

Tori: ANDRE!

School Music Room

Tori and Andre are singing Faster Than Boyz

Tori: Well.

Andre: Do you like it?

Kojeezy: I love it.

Andre: Oh my god.

Tori: So are you gonna buy it?

Kojeezy: Yeah I'm gonna buy it.

Tori: Oh my god.

Kojeezy: If...

Tori: If what?

Kojeezy: The song's gotta pass the baby test.

Andre: The what now?

Tori: What's the baby test.

Kojeezy: Let him in.

A guy brings a baby in.

Kojeezy: Baby smiles. Songs a hit. Baby cries. Song is chiz. Now go from the chorus.

Tori: Ok.

They both sing Faster Than Boyz again.

The baby cries and they stop playing.

Kojeezy: Sorry. Come on baby let's roll (leaves)

Tori: Wait...

Andre: Maybe his diaper was...

Tori: You know. I don't even care if...It was just Kojeezy... (starts crying)

Andre: Come here

They both hug.

Tori: I hate that baby.

Andre: Baby's are stupid.

Asphalt Cafe

Sinjin: 40 seconds and counting.

Robbie: Perfect. Now your gonna wanna see in southeast so the satellite gets a good shot of you.

Jade: Right here?

Robbie: Yep.

Jade: Awesome. Now get your hands off my shoulders!

Robbie: Time?

Beck: The satellite should snap the shot in... 17 seconds.

Jade: Good. Now nobody talk to me. (poses for the picture).

Robbie: Shoo. Shoo bee.

Beck: 14, 13, 12, 11.

Cat: 12.

Beck: 8.

Cat: 8.

Beck: Cat. 

Robbie: Shoo. bee. That's a bad bee. Shoo bee. 

Beck: 3.

Cat: (places stuffed pig in the air)

Beck: 2.

Robbie accidentally trips on bag and falls on Jade.

Beck: 1, right now.

The picture makes it look like Robbie and Jade are kissing.

Jade: (screams in the background)

The end.

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