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Sikowitz
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This is the page with a list of Sikowitz's TheSlap posts.

Posts

  • Sikowitz: I am on TheSlap.com. Now what do I do? ... and where did I put my coconut?
  • Sikowitz: As you know, school has now begun, but I, Erwin Sikowitz, have yet to return to Hollywood Arts. And that's because my list of demands (which I sent to the school administration months ago) has yet to be met.

My Demands

  1. Coconut vending machine MUST be added to the Asphalt Cafe so that I can get my daily serving of coconut milk.
  2. My mother MUST be banned from the Hollywood Arts premises. Every time she comes to visit, she hurts my feelings.
  3. A pay raise would be nice. Tie-dyed clothig is back in style and becoming rather pricey.
  4. A new PearTV MUST be installed in my classroom so I can play my acting reel on a continuous loop—for educational purposes, of course.
  5. Have security stop searching my satchel every morning. What's inside a man's satchel should be private.

Once all of the above have been completed to my satisfaction I will return to my position teaching the dramatic arts—or until my mortgage is due whichever comes first.


  • Sikowitz: Hello students, I'm teaching again. None of my demands were met, but my mom said she'd cut me from the will if I didn't go back to work.


  • Sikowitz: Do you know if masseuses offer teacher's discounts? I have a lot of stress to be relieved!


  • Sikowitz: I dropped my harmonica in the men's room toilet.
    • André: Sorry man. I know a place where you can get another one.
    • Sikowitz: Why would I get another one?
    • André: Cuz your old one fell in a toilet.
    • Sikowitz: And your point is?


  • Sikowitz: Ping to the Pong! Isn't that what the kids are saying these days?
    • Jade: No one says that.


  • Sikowitz: Everyone wants to know what my homemade sausage is made out of. Hilarious, I know.


  • Sikowitz: Still recovering from reggae night on Sunday. What'd I miss?
    • Beck: About 2 1/2 days of school.
    • Sikowitz: No, I meant important stuff.


  • Sikowitz: Do they make special sun screen for the top-of-your-head skin?


  • Sikowitz: Trick or Treat? I pick trick. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH


  • Sikowitz: Can't stop playing that Ditch the Fish game. It's starting to affect my job, my relationships, my life. Help.


  • Sikowitz: I'm running a marathon next week in Long Beach. Guess I better start practicing.


  • Sikowitz: I make my own cranberry souce. Interesting thing though, it contains no actual cranberry.


  • Sikowitz: Step right up and get a little bit of Sikowitz!


  • Sikowitz: Acting is like fishing. Only there is no fish.


  • Sikowitz: Later on, we'll perspire as we sit by the fire...
    • André: You know those AREN'T the real lyrics right?
    • Sikowitz: Yes, but sweating is funny.


  • Sikowitz: Happy Easter, Everyone!
    • André: Dude, Easter's not for like another 3 months or something. Tell me you're kidding...
    • Sikowitz: Wait, what month are we in?


  • Sikowitz: Where did the time go? I can't believe it's 2012 already!
    • Rex: Man, and you're responsible for my education??


  • Sikowitz: Man, 2011 is dragging. The 70s happened so fast they're still just a blur in my memory.


  • Sikowitz: Ahh, I love Sundays!
    • Beck: You know today's not Sunday right? It's Friday.
    • Sikowitz: Ah, Good Ghandi! How many classes have I missed so far?
    • Beck: 4


  • Sikowitz: Just bought diet SOAP. Anyone know how I use it? Eat it?


  • Sikowitz: Do you think it's odd that a 34 year old man lives with his mom? Just asking cuz my friend does. Not me.


  • Sikowitz: Get this one—Had jury duty. Judge made me put on shoes! I objected! He didn't care.


  • Sikowitz: A woman told me I have "mad scientist eyebrows." Is that a good thing?


  • Sikowitz: I don't remember if I showered this morning. I don't stink, do I?
    • Jade: Do you remember if you showered yesterday? Cuz you smell the same as you did then.


  • Sikowitz: I wish they'd invent something that keeps your feet clean while walking around barefoot.
    • Jade: It's called SHOES! Get some!


  • Sikowitz: Took my mom to Vegas last weekend. She had a great time. So great in fact that she's never allowed back.


  • Sikowitz: I waited in line 9 hours for a new PearPad... It turns out it's some sort of computer.
    • Robbie: Why did you wait in line for it if you didn't know what it was?
    • Sikowitz: Don't know. Just curious I guess.


  • Sikowitz: I'm getting ready for the big Sikowitz Sleepover. Teenagers like industrial sized bottles of mayonnaise, right?
  • Robbie: We sure do!
  • Rex: He does not speak for all of us.


  • Sikowitz: I make my own toothpaste. It doesn't clean very well and it tastes like mud, but it's super cheap. Anyone wanna try some?


  • Sikowitz: Teaching teenagers is like herding cats. Except the cats are over 5 feet tall, can talk, and own cell phones. Okay, That's a bad analogy.


  • Sikowitz: For some reason, the audience didn't really buy me as a female steamboat captain. It must be the beard. Not a good look for a lady.


  • Sikowitz: My favorite class to teach is improv. My least favorite is criminal justice. Why do we even have that class?
    • André: We don't.
    • Sikowitz: Then why am I in court right now?


  • Sikowitz: Bought stuck in coconut milk cuz an expert told me it's gonna be huge! Not sure why this "expert" was washing my windshield at a gas station.


  • Sikowitz: I'm currently hanging out with a strange man in a hot tub… this party sure turned out differently than I expected.


  • Sikowitz: Just bought a foot-odor-scented air freshener for my van. Now, if anyone says my van stinks, I'll blame the air freshener!


  • Sikowitz: Spray on hair DOES NOT work. I can't believe hair in a can let me down!


  • Sikowitz: It's summer and I have waaaaaaaay too much free time. I need to do something productive ... any suggestions?
    • Tori: You could show up to teach your summer school class. I've been waiting here for 41 minutes!


  • Sikowitz: Those little crackers shaped like fish are very realistic.


  • Sikowitz: My very confused aunt keeps sending me Christmas Cards. I would say something to her, but all th cards have $20 in them. Score!


  • Sikowitz: Did anyone else see that cloud in the sky that looked like a baby giraffe riding an adult elephant??


  • Sikowitz: I had a nightmare last night that there was a kid in my class who had a puppet. How insane is that?!?


  • Sikowitz: Man being famous must make you weird. This movie star at the gas station kept asking me to wash his windshield.


  • Sikowitz: Looking through some old family photos. Man... I was one ugly kid.


  • Sikowitz: I would like to know why I've never been chosen for Teacher of the Year. On a side note, I just realized I'm 3 hours late to school. Yikes!


  • Sikowitz: Did you know that some high schools teach science, math, and P.E.? What's up with that? #iLuvHollywoodArts


  • Sikowitz: The police kicked in my front door this morning cuz they had the wrong address. They didn't fix it, but they did write me a very nice apology note.


  • Sikowitz: You kids are so spoiled with your tiny laptops and cell phones. In my day, we had slightly larger laptops and cell phones.
    • Jade: When exactly WAS your day?
    • Sikowitz: You know, I'm not really sure.


  • Sikowitz: I'm only teaching at Hollywood Arts until my agent gets me an acting gig. It's been 10 years. I wonder what's taking him so long!


  • Sikowitz: My mom gave me a $5 gift certificate to the Olive Bargain! I bet I can the get never-ending bowl of NOTHING with that!


  • Sikowitz: My mom forgot to pack my lunch today. Anyone got $5 I can borrow for the Grub Truck?


  • Sikowitz: I'm off to a parade in a giant cupcake with 7 children and a puppet. Good gravy! My life's a fairy tale!


  • Sikowitz: I switched banks cuz the new one gives out lollipops. Turns out though, they charge you 12 dollars per pop.


  • Sikowitz:Wait, it's Halloween already? What happened to Easter? Did I miss it?


  • Sikowitz: I wish Hollywood Arts would stop scheduling classes during my nap time. I'm not a good teacher when I'm tired.
    • Rex: Man you must be tired a lot.


  • Sikowitz: Thinking about getting a second job as a mall Santa cuz 1) The hat will cover my baldness. 2) I can eat whatever I want.


  • Sikowitz: I can say "coconut" in 13 different languages. You might say that's pointless. Well, if we're ever in Malaysia, I won't share my "kelapa" with you.


  • Sikowitz: My new vegan girlfriend is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm making a regular turkey, but I'm telling her it's vegan.


  • Sikowitz: Holy Ravioli! I accidentally set my alarm for 7 PM! Maybe no one noticed I missed school again.


  • Sikowitz: Christmas yodeling has been a family tradition ever since my great-grandfather was kicked out of Switzerland in 1947 for yodeling badly.


  • Sikowitz: It's a school half-day. You know what that means??? Faculty Tea Party!


  • Sikowitz: I've got family staying with me for the holidays so I need to hide my garden gnome collection. My grandma is gnomaphobic.


  • Sikowitz: Attacked by a family of possums while decorating my Christmas Bush in the front yard. Maybe THIS is why people have Christmas trees INDOORS!


  • Sikowitz: Left my toothbrush at school and security won't let me come in and get it. Well, what am I supposed to do? Buy a new one?!
    • Jade: YES! That's exactly what you're supposed to do.
    • Sikowitz: And waste 3 dollars!
    • Tori: Wait, you haven't brushed your teeth all vacation?


  • Sikowitz: The batteries in my electric drill are dead and I need some coconut milk!
    • Robbie: Many monkeys open coconuts by banging them on a pointy rock.
    • Sikowitz:Did you bring a pointy rock to school today?
    • Robbie: Uh, no.
    • Sikowitz: Then what good are you?


  • Sikowitz: Just downloaded the Perfect Potty app. I have no idea what it does but I hope it was worth the $49.99.
    • Tori: You bought an app for 49 dollars and you don't know what it does?!
    • Sikowitz: I figured it had to be really good if it was that expensive.


  • Sikowitz: I wish I was up for the role of a really obese guy. That way, I could eat all I wanted and not have to worry about dieting. #DreamJob


  • Sikowitz: Uh oh. It's almost Sunshine Girl Fudge Ball season. I better start training my eating muscles now!


  • Sikowitz: Lesson learned the hard way: zippers on your shirt are a bad idea if you're a man with a hairy chest.


  • Sikowitz: Just dropped a coconut on my pinky toe. Y'know maybe THIS is why people wear shoes


  • Sikowitz: The only worse thing than ROTTEN coconut milk is NO coconut milk. And that's why I drank rotten coconut milk this morning.


  • Sikowitz: I was just informed that I'm not allowed to shuck oysters in my classroom. Man, when did Hollywood Arts get so strict.


  • Sikowitz: I just turned Tori and Jade into a married couple. It's a march miracle


  • Sikowitz: Should I go snorkelling if I'm afraid of fish?


  • Sikowitz: Grading papers. Every time I come across a stupid answer, I take a sip of coconut milk. I've gone through 4 coconuts on just Robbie's paper alone.


  • Sikowitz: I can't believe I was blown up today. Not a good way to start the morning.


  • Sikowitz: I love having a costume department at school, because some days you just want to teach while dressed like a wizard.


  • Sikowitz: Happy Wednesday! Nothing like a 5 day weekend to really rejuvenate the senses.
    • Beck: It's actually a three day weekend. You're supposed to be in school today.
    • Sikowitz: Oh, well, Cat you're in charge for the next two days.
    • Cat: Yayyyyyyy!!!!!! Let's all tickle each other!


  • Sikowitz: Tomorrow will be the one-year anniversary since I kicked that annoying foot fungus. I'm one-year fungus free! CONGRATS to me!


  • Sikowitz: Had an emergency root canal this morning before class and I think the laughing gas is finally wearing off. I didn't say anything crazy today did I?
    • Andre: You told us you felt shiny.
    • Cat: And that you were related to the Queen of England.
    • Tori: And to never let the Secret Service into your classroom.
    • Sikowitz: So nothing crazy? What a relief.
  • Sikowitz: I don't see why it's inappropriate to wear LOUNGE pants in the teacher's LOUNGE!


  • Sikowitz: That Sri Lankan coconut was 3 weeks old and rotten, and it may have given me visions, but it's STILL the best coconut milk I've ever drunk.


  • Sikowitz: I auditioned for the role of a bald guy in an independent film. I lost the part because I had too much hair. It's a good feeling.


  • Sikowitz: @ doctor's office reading a magazine. Tom and Katie finally tied the knot! Guess i haven't been to the doctor in a few years.


  • Sikowitz: You know, it really IS nice to get out and help clean up the community every once in a while. Even if it is court ordered.


  • Sikowitz: Seems as if my bathing trousers are a little tight this year, i'm not buying a new one. So LA will just have to deal with it.


  • Sikowitz: Sorry if I'm a bit sweaty. I forgot to do laundry and my only clean underwear was a pair of long johns. They are not meant to be worn in summer.


  • Sikowitz: I tried to book a trip to Alaska this summer, but I accidentally bought a ticket to Arkansas. Guess I bought snow boots for nothing.


  • Sikowitz: Currently in my PJs, kicking my feet up, and enjoying a tall glass of coconut milk.
    • Andre: Yeah, that sounds great and all but you probably shouldn't be doing that in class.
    • Sikowitz: Oh, is that why you're all here?


  • Sikowitz: At the LA Cheese Fest. Think I've eaten about 10 pounds of cheddar. That's probably more than you're supposed to have in a lifetime.


  • Sikowitz: Just finished planting a coconut tree in backyard. Why have I never thought of that before!?!


  • Sikowitz: Apparently school started back up today. Really should have set my alarm clock. Oops.


  • Sikowitz: Fell asleep on the beach. Woke up to sand crabs in my shorts. Not a good wake up call.


  • Sikowitz: Downside to not having hair: I spend a lot more on sun lotion every summer.


  • Sikowitz: I need to start dressing up-- start looking more professional. I think I'll wear socks today.


  • Sikowitz: -$700 is never a number you want to see on your bank statement. Anyone have +$700 I could borrow?


  • Sikowitz: It's like 100 degrees out today and I forgot my deodorant. I hope nobody can tell.
    • Jade: Believe me, we can tell.
    • Rex: Just thought it was your new deodorant scent: Sweaty Hippie.


  • Sikowitz: Instead of mowing, I'm just going to let the weeds in my front lawn grow tall and call it a spooky maze. I love Halloween time!


  • Sikowitz: I totally forgot I ordered a new coconut cracker until it arrived in the mail today! It's like a surprise gift from myself!


  • Sikowitz: Did you know Jack-O-Lanterns used to be made from coconuts? That was before the Pumpkin Growers Association ruined the holiday.


  • Sikowitz: Here's a fun extra credit activity: Come clean my house! If you get the floor all nice and shiny you get an A+ for the semester!


  • Sikowitz: Today is Thanksgiving?!? BRB-- gotta go buy and stuff a turkey.


  • Sikowitz: I think I'll make coconut cookies this year for Christmas. That way, if Santa doesn't show, then at least Sikowtiz gets a tasty treat.


  • Sikowitz:  I'm cooking pancakes for breakfast! Except, I couldn't find a pan. And they're kinda pie-shaped. I don't know what I'm doing.


  • Sikowitz: That's the second time I've been egged while bathing!!! Can't a man shower in peace!


  • Sikowitz: I'm currently trying to identify an object I found in my beard. I think it's tuna, but I haven't eaten sushi in days. Hmmmm....


  • Sikowitz: I found a coconut in the men's bathroom today. I'll drink it if it's not claimed after 3 hours. Or before that if I get really thirsty.

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